Corkage Fee?

A little break from the normal stuff today... So let's turn to an issue you all can help me figure out.

OK, so call me late to the table on this. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm as cultured as my buddies tell me that I'm not really that cultured. As a loyal reader and friend told me, "Just because you know the difference between a piano and harpsichord, don't make you cultured, dude." There is some truth to that... Oh... to answer that bit for you people in Story City, it's the tones each make... basically.

Also... since I'm admitting things. I'm not much of a going out for dinner type. I know it's weird and I'm weird. I'm just not. Don' t get me wrong, I loves me some epic food, dishes and all that cheese whiz... but "dinner" not so much. I can hear the ladies reading now... wow, that's an impressive man right here.

*shrugs shoulders with a smirk*

But hear me out my fine feathered friends. Call it growing up-ish? But, I'm starting to dig or at least try a decent "dinner" or two at some foo foo joints. Yes, in G$-speak, a foo foo joints are joints that include a wine list. Speaking of this said wine list/menu thinger.... there was this whole thing on there that confused me...

"Corkage fee."

This term instantly sent shock waves to my head.

So much shock, I belted out a Scooby Doo like "Huh?"

The head guy in the mission control center in my brain says, "What the hell is a corkage fee?! Dudes?! I need some answers!" His deputy commander approaches the head guy's desk, "Could it be that you have to pay for them to uncork the wine, sir?" Head guy goes, "That's just ridiculous! Who would do that or pay for that?!!" The deputy guy whimpers, "Sorry, sir... Our experience with wine and this new 'going out to dinner' order handed out by the higher ups is... well... we're a little over our heads, sir." The head guy demands, "I need answers, dammit!"

Of which, being the moron that I am at times, I say a loud, "I need answers, dammit!" That got greeted with blank stares at the dinner table... and waiter. Coming to my senses... I follow up with a, "Alright, I'm no wino, could you tell me what a corkage fee is?"

Dudes, have you heard of this? So like... if you bring in your own wine to some restaurants... you can... you just have to pay a corkage fee. And some nights? They wave the fee! How freaking cool is that? This is like when bring your own beer to some strip club on the north side of town. OK, maybe not that extreme... and more clothes on...

But wait... Hold the phone.

Let me get this straight.

So, this corkage fee... you can bring in your own grape. But no beer? Dudes. Why is there no "pop top fee"?

This... is kind of outrageous.

So wine people can be all cool and stuff... pay their corkage fee... so they can bring in their Boone's Farm to sip while eating their croissant crepes or whatever the hell you eat with wine... but I can't bring in a case of Milwaukee's Best Light to slam while I'm killing 5 pounds of chicken wings? This... is crazy.

*disbelief look on my face with a side of outrage*

Yeah man. This is so bootleg. Peeps can can be all lay de freaking dah french-like... but Bif and the fellas can walk in with their finest ice cold Busch heavies? This is America, dudes. And this don't seem American to me.

Don't send me hate mail now... I know what you're gonna say.

"G$, you're kind of crazy. Nice, but nuts, dude."


Maybe those delicious Milwaukee Best Lights just belong... in some of the best places on Earth. Like in nice heated garages in Jewell... enjoyed with fried foods... with good jokes... with good tunes... with good pals... and not in foo foo joints and their "corkage fees".

Oh lay dee dah Pepe Le Pew... Maybe I'll just stick to the garage.