QCI Investigates: The Establishment

Sometimes we do have some breaking news and journalistic value for all of you. Today, the QCI Newsroom has obtained a copy of a Blackberry Messenger or "BBM" conversation from the Establishment. (insert spooky music here) Yes, THE Establishment. The ones who run, everything.

The numerous sources we have followed up with... all confirm that this is really how everything is decided.

Here's the chilling BBM transcript...

Waspy Smithfield – They really need to know who’s in charge around here.
Tanner Jones – Agreed. They will crawl back for our help.
Waspy Smithfield – Hey, do you want to meet in the smoke filled back room later today?
Tanner Jones - Hmmm… Maybe. I have a meeting at the UN. Then I have to see if my black helicopter is fixed.
Tanner Jones – So upsetting when it breaks down. It’s such a chore.
Waspy Smithfield – I know, right?! If people knew how hard it was to be the establishment, they would understand.
Tanner Jones – Totally. It’s tough being important.
Waspy Smithfield – That’s OK, we can meet tomorrow. I need to finalize my plans to start the next war for oil.
Tanner Jones – Did you get your Skull and Bones Reunion invite in the mail?
Tanner Jones – Which blazer are you going to wear? Blue or blue?
Waspy Smithfield – Yes, of course. I’m going with blue.
Waspy Smithfield – I’m also going to make a motion we change the secret handshake to something else. You know… everyone knows it’s a handshake and all.
Tanner Jones – That’s terrific. But, I for one am not much for change. Call me elitist and all.
Waspy Smithfield – You damn country clubber!
Tanner Jones – LOL! Good one!
Tanner Jones – Not to be on your ass about it, but are you done with the list of candidates we are going to throw our money behind yet?
Waspy Smithfield – I’m a little hung up with on how to start this war. But I did finish the list of who’s allowed to run.
Tanner Jones – Delicious. You know you can’t just throw these primaries overnight. These things take a little time.
Tanner Jones – Hang on a minute. Karl Rove is calling me.
Waspy Smithfield – Perfect. Tell him “all golden girls and boys fly by the seat of their swords”… He’ll know what that means.
Tanner Jones – Message delivered.
Waspy Smithfield – Ruling the world is fun.
Tanner Jones – It so is. SOMEONE has to do the thinking around here.
Waspy Smithfield – *thumbs up*

Trust no one, loyal readers. Trust no one.

Chiefs, Judges, "Leadership", Kinky and Playground Brawls...

A few things for you to chirp about in the comment section.... AND one of the best songs and videos I have seen/heard in a long long while... here's your quick hits...

THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - I'll just say it. It was like watching monkeys fornicating with a football on Sunday. Don't worry, all sharp objects have been taken away from my place.

CULVER AND THE JUDGES - Hmmm... sounds like an ironic band name. So the news today is Culver saying he'd appoint 'em if they came up with names. Hasn't this guy found his new house in Northern Virginia yet? Cmon son.

PRESS RELEASES CAN MAKE A FUNNY - Yea, saw that the IDP Chair said this of Gronstal and McCarthy on their elections to leadership:

“Senator Gronstal and Representative McCarthy are both steadfast supporters of this state and committed to moving it forward by creating quality jobs and protecting the progress that has made Iowa a national leader in so many areas. Democrats across the state appreciate their work on behalf of all Iowans and willingness to stand up for what is right.”

Um, that's why a good amount of Iowans threw out... a good chunk of that... leadership. #justsayin

KINKY ON POTUS 43 - Yeah... in case you missed this... Kinky Friedman has a good bit on the former President and the current President.

AND FINALLY... Dudes... been loving me some Black Keys for a long time. Not only is this song epic enough to crank loud so you and you palls can head nod... but the video is quite humorous... Stay thirsty my friends...

Weekend Update....

OK... so for a first time in a long team here at the ole QCI Headquarters, we enjoyed a lazy day of football... tweets... and chirping about. So que the music. Let's get to the awesome that is the QCI Weekend Update....

THE IOWA HAWKEYES - If I refer to the Hawkeyes as that "on again off again chick you break up with, yet hook up again the very next weekend"... then this was one of those disaster dates. The kind that ends up with you getting kicked in the nads. Yeah. That great. I don't think I've seen this many cuss word texted to my phone within in 5 minutes of the ending of this disaster. I believe I saw a few new ones... of which I won't list any them. Because, we try to keep this blog at least PG13. Someone get me and all the other Iowa fans some ice packets for our collective junk.

POLITICAL GOSSIP AT THE SPEED OF TWITTER - So word in Twittersburgh today was that State Senator Wally Horn from out in Eastern Iowa is gonna run for Majority Leader. That would end the term of Governor Mike Gronstal for sure. After that thing got retweeted say, 20 times, five of loyal QCI-ders alerted us that he's running for Assistant Leader. Which one is it then? Does it rally matter? Awe yes... to paraphrase Rick James, Twitter is a hell of a drug.

IOWA NATIONAL GUARD TAKES CARE OF BIDNESS - So was listening to this story over the news breaks today during football... Turns out some of the good guys were out on a mission in Afghanistan when the bad guys showed up. it was great to hear that the Iowa Guard "took care of the situation". No one harmed... except the ones who needed to be harmed. And they took into custody one of the Taliban. Keep kicking ass and get home safe soon, dear heroes.

THE ELECTION IS OVER, RIGHT? Hey, I don't like Leonard Boswell as much as the next guy... but I think you can cancel the "retire Boswell" Facebook ads.

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION - Speaking of these Book of Faces you speak of. How about giving a "like" to the World's Crappiest Blog? Click here... spread some love and make your news feed full of the awesome.

AND FINALLY... Your weekend tunes... Stay thirsty friends....

Ride the Lightning Round

Hmmmmmm... new feature? Don't get too excited dearest loyal readers. Well... This idea stems out of a couple conversations I have had the past few days.

I don't know why people ask me questions about things or particular subjects... but I'm a chatty type of kid, so it's all good.

So I figure, I'd throw out a bunch of subjects... do my quick take on it and call it close. If you got any things you want to ad to the next "Ride the Lightning Round" (super clever name inserting Metallica in to this feature, if you ask me) then email me up.... OK... let's do this.

The Iowa Caucuses - Yeah... that didn't take too long to start, didn't it? First debate set by NBC... and the candidates are planning trips to the state... its not even Thanksgiving yet. Even. Better.
The Kansas City Chiefs - Yes. The Oakland loss still stings. But effff 'em. It's Denver Week. Time to put a whoopin on the methheads ERR Broncos.
Veterans Day and Birthdays - Be honest, some of you wouldn't have thought much about Veteran's Day... or your former 5th grade basketball team mate's birthday for that matter... if you weren't on Facebook.
Facebook Follow Up - Also, are you less patriotic because you didn't say anything in your Facebook status about Veteran's Day? Think about that one.
Iowa Family Policy Center - Yeah. I know, right? But, when you first heard about it.... were you really surprised? C'mon son.
Meghan McCain - Who is Meghan McCain and why should I care what she has to say? Seriously, never heard of her. Did I miss something?
Iowa Hawkeyes - Effff... why don't I ever have a good feeling about playing Northwestern? I mean, it's effing Northwestern.
Boston Celtics - Bwahahahahahahahaha! Or as loyal reader Yoda said, "Miami Heat? More like the Miami Clowns Machine!" Bwahahahahahaha! Celtics!
The Tokyo Sandblaster - I can't even try to imagine what that means. Although, my first thought is... painful, slopped up with a side of hideous?
Remember November 2 - Who could forget? OK... I got it. We won. Let's change some of those avatars out there people. It's kind of lame-ish.
The Des Moines Register - Not sure what's more annoying... their political leanings or those uber huge take over your screen freeze your computer ads on the main page of their website.
Snow - No. I'm not ready for it. I speak for many. I have authority here. We are not read. Please no.
New Book Releases - So many books to get... too close to Christmas-ish. But, the new Denis Leary looks so awesome... might have to pull the trigger when it comes out.
Iowa State Senate - Noice. Although, I think its laughable how tough Former Governor Mike Gronstal is talking. Better yet, keep talking, sir.
Epic Book - Awe crap... get this. I hvae changed the format 4 times now. But, its still gonna rule. Maybe I'll just push out pieces at a time. Release it... the Book Tour the hell out of it. Yessssssssssssss!
Iowa State House - Two words, Charlie effing Smithson, dude. (Kuwait a minute)... I have to admit, had to have this one explained to me. But after that, yeah man, how awesome is that?
You are always on your phone - Hang on a minute. I need to reply to this. It will just take another minute.
New Tunes? So freaking good. Danielle Ate The Sandwich. Move over Elizabeth Shue? Could there be a new American Sweetheart? Hmmm... for real, she belts out epic stuff. YouTube it.
Elizabeth Shue? She is America's Sweetheart, always will be. I mean... well... if you don't believe so... why don't you go back where you came from Mao Zedong.
Good Eats? How have I been in the DeMo this long and NEVER gone to Little John's Burgers on 2nd north of Euclid? Crazy good.
FourSquare - No I did not check in here... or there... or anywhere... You can keep all those FourSquare badges for you Girl Scout sash, pal... Yeah... not a fan.

OK... that was easy enough. More to come... stay thirsty my friends.

Corkage Fee?

A little break from the normal stuff today... So let's turn to an issue you all can help me figure out.

OK, so call me late to the table on this. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm as cultured as my buddies tell me that I'm not really that cultured. As a loyal reader and friend told me, "Just because you know the difference between a piano and harpsichord, don't make you cultured, dude." There is some truth to that... Oh... to answer that bit for you people in Story City, it's the tones each make... basically.

Also... since I'm admitting things. I'm not much of a going out for dinner type. I know it's weird and I'm weird. I'm just not. Don' t get me wrong, I loves me some epic food, dishes and all that cheese whiz... but "dinner" not so much. I can hear the ladies reading now... wow, that's an impressive man right here.

*shrugs shoulders with a smirk*

But hear me out my fine feathered friends. Call it growing up-ish? But, I'm starting to dig or at least try a decent "dinner" or two at some foo foo joints. Yes, in G$-speak, a foo foo joints are joints that include a wine list. Speaking of this said wine list/menu thinger.... there was this whole thing on there that confused me...

"Corkage fee."

This term instantly sent shock waves to my head.

So much shock, I belted out a Scooby Doo like "Huh?"

The head guy in the mission control center in my brain says, "What the hell is a corkage fee?! Dudes?! I need some answers!" His deputy commander approaches the head guy's desk, "Could it be that you have to pay for them to uncork the wine, sir?" Head guy goes, "That's just ridiculous! Who would do that or pay for that?!!" The deputy guy whimpers, "Sorry, sir... Our experience with wine and this new 'going out to dinner' order handed out by the higher ups is... well... we're a little over our heads, sir." The head guy demands, "I need answers, dammit!"

Of which, being the moron that I am at times, I say a loud, "I need answers, dammit!" That got greeted with blank stares at the dinner table... and waiter. Coming to my senses... I follow up with a, "Alright, I'm no wino, could you tell me what a corkage fee is?"

Dudes, have you heard of this? So like... if you bring in your own wine to some restaurants... you can... you just have to pay a corkage fee. And some nights? They wave the fee! How freaking cool is that? This is like when bring your own beer to some strip club on the north side of town. OK, maybe not that extreme... and more clothes on...

But wait... Hold the phone.

Let me get this straight.

So, this corkage fee... you can bring in your own grape. But no beer? Dudes. Why is there no "pop top fee"?

This... is kind of outrageous.

So wine people can be all cool and stuff... pay their corkage fee... so they can bring in their Boone's Farm to sip while eating their croissant crepes or whatever the hell you eat with wine... but I can't bring in a case of Milwaukee's Best Light to slam while I'm killing 5 pounds of chicken wings? This... is crazy.

*disbelief look on my face with a side of outrage*

Yeah man. This is so bootleg. Peeps can can be all lay de freaking dah french-like... but Bif and the fellas can walk in with their finest ice cold Busch heavies? This is America, dudes. And this don't seem American to me.

Don't send me hate mail now... I know what you're gonna say.

"G$, you're kind of crazy. Nice, but nuts, dude."

Sigh...

Maybe those delicious Milwaukee Best Lights just belong... in some of the best places on Earth. Like in nice heated garages in Jewell... enjoyed with fried foods... with good jokes... with good tunes... with good pals... and not in foo foo joints and their "corkage fees".

Oh lay dee dah Pepe Le Pew... Maybe I'll just stick to the garage.